Grayson’s journey as a trans boy didn’t come out of the clear blue sky.
Though he liked to wear skirts and play with makeup, he also cut his hair short and kept it that way — even when other kids teased him and said he “looked like a boy.” When Grayson, who was assigned female at birth, was about 7 or 8, we were talking about puberty when he made a horrified face and said, “I don’t want to go through puberty.”
During one of these conversations, I remember him saying, “I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.”
At the end of fifth grade, when he brought all his schoolwork home, I looked through the papers and saw that he’d been signing his work with the name “Michael.” I asked him about it, and he said he wanted to use they/them pronouns. A couple of months later, he requested that we start using he/him pronouns, and took on a different name. Then, when he was 13, he changed his name to Grayson, which has stuck. I love the name — it suits him so well.
At about the same time, Grayson was diagnosed with inattentive type ADHD. That too, was not exactly a surprise. While he was never very fidgety or busy, he often had to be redirected. There were a lot of school struggles: not following directions, not getting things done, forgetting to hand in homework, and losing things.
[Read: 5 Overlooked Signs of ADHD – the Inattentive Type]
When Neurodiversity Meets Gender Diversity
It’s interesting — I know so many people who are both neurodiverse and genderqueer or part of the LGBTQIA+ community. I’m not saying that there’s any kind of causal factor at play, but there does seem to be some kind of correlation. Maybe the difference they feel because of their neurodivergence makes them feel more comfortable exploring other aspects of their identity? Or perhaps they are better able to identify that difference that other people have but don’t take the time to question?
At 16 years old, Grayson is so secure in who he is; he’s blow-your-mind good at advocating for himself. He is out and proud! In the last couple of years, he hasn’t needed me to speak for him because he stands up for himself.
Transgender Teens: Countering Misconceptions
There are so many myths about genderqueer kids. A big one is that kids are doing it for attention. It doesn’t make sense to me, given how negative a lot of that attention is and how scary the world can be when you don’t fit into your assigned “box.”
[Read: “I Didn’t Need to Understand My Teen’s Gender Journey to Support It.”]
Another myth I hear a lot is, “It’s a phase; he might grow out of it.” Or, “he’s too young to make that kind of decision.” People think it’s easy to get gender care and just — poof! — transition. That’s not how it works.
We are lucky that we live in a very progressive area, and I’ve worked in health care for years so I know the landscape. Even so, knowing where to go and who to talk to — and dealing with insurance coverage — has been a lot. When we moved states, the waiting list to get into the new gender care clinic was long, and I was concerned because Grayson was already on puberty blockers at that point and I didn’t want them to wear off. Eventually, his doctor who we’d seen for ADHD called the gender clinic and was able to get him seen. But what happens to the people who don’t have that kind of support?
To those who think he should wait until he’s “old enough” — in other words, an adult — I say this: A lot of those kids are not making it until adulthood. And that is scary. We have so much research now that clearly shows that the way to reduce suicide among trans teens is to give them gender-affirming care. It saves lives, and that isn’t hyperbole or exaggeration.
Another damaging myth that we’ve encountered is that there’s a right way and a wrong way to be trans or to express gender. Grayson is solidly a boy, and he also happens to like some feminine things — and there’s nothing wrong with that. I’ve had people ask, “Are you sure he still wants to be a boy? Because that pink hair of his isn’t very masculine.” And I tell them, “It’s a lot to sort through and figure out. Just let him be.”
I love him and support him on this journey one hundred percent.
Supporting Genderqueer Teens
It’s a scary time to be a parent of a trans kid. There’s a lot of anxiety about what’s going to happen. We live in a “safe state,” but how long will it stay safe? That existential dread is constant — and if it’s bad for me, I’m guessing that it’s much more nerve-wracking for him.
It’s so important to find a supportive community. I’ve been lucky enough to have friends who have also experienced this journey. We often send messages back and forth: “So this happened today…” or “The school’s doing this. How did you deal with it?”
I sometimes hear parents who are just beginning this journey express feelings of grief, that the child they knew is gone. To anyone feeling that way, I say this: Your child is still here. They are the same kid they always were. Nothing has changed, except maybe pronouns and a name, and people change names for all kinds of reasons.
Complicated feelings are normal, but just work it out with your therapist, and not in front of your kid. This isn’t something that’s “wrong.” It’s just something that’s different — just like ADHD. Your child needs you to love and support them, to help them live an authentic life as their truest self.
Genderqueer and Neurodiverse: Next Steps
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