Parenting a college student is always a balance between wanting to support and help them and nurturing their independence. When they come home for the holidays it can be tough to manage that balance and figure out the right things to say.
Say this, not that, to your college student
- Don’t say: “You’re not spending enough time with the family while you are back.”
Instead, say: “I know you want to see all of your friends from home, but is there a time we can set up a family dinner?”
When college students are home from school, they will be eager to catch up with their high school friends. Let them hang out with their friends but ask if they can schedule a time for a family dinner or family outing so that you can spend quality time with them before they head back to school.
2. Don’t say: “Why are you sleeping in so late?”
Instead, say: “I am glad you are using this time to recharge and get some rest.”
College is an exhausting time in your teen’s life. They are learning to balance classes, homework, extracurriculars, friends, exercise, and more! Coming home from school is a nice break from the chaos of college life, where they can just rest and sleep in. Also, it is common for college students to go to bed late, sleep late and enjoy being back in their own beds.
3. Don’t say: “You never call or text me.”
Instead, say: “I would love to hear from you more.”
The first statement can make them feel bad for not reaching out more. Rest assured, your teen isn’t not calling on purpose. College life is busy, and there may not be time to call or text daily. Asking them to call more often may make them feel forced to call. If they don’t call, it is probably because they enjoy school and have become more independent.
4. Don’t say: “We don’t get (insert grade) in this house.”
Instead, say: “Do you want to get a tutor for (insert class)?”
If they struggle in a class, saying a certain grade is unacceptable does little to change the reality. It makes them feel worse about struggling, which is already painful and they may not want to tell you if they are having difficulty in the future. Offering your support is a much more effective to help them improve in whichever class they struggling.
5. Don’t say: “Why don’t you visit home more?”
Instead, say: “I miss you a lot, but I’m so glad you are having so much fun at college that you don’t need to come home all the time.”
Although you mean well by asking them to come home more, it may make them feel guilty and no one likes that feeling. In reality, it is great that your student is enjoying school enough to want to stay there. It is very common for students to feel homesick and visit home every weekend. If your student is loving college enough to want to remain on campus, consider that a good thing!
6. Don’t say: “You’re not working hard enough.”
Instead, say: “I know college classes are hard. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.”
The first statement is very hurtful to a student who may be trying as hard as they can but having trouble with the academic transition from high school to college. It’s easy to assume they aren’t putting in the effort, but college classes can be challenging. Many college students struggle academically their first year as they are adjust to a different environment and a new way of learning. Many find their stride after this period of adjustment.
7. Don’t say: “You’ve changed.”
Instead, say: “I love how you have become so independent.”
The statement “you’ve changed” depends on the context but often comes across as negative. It is desirable for your college student to have become more independent, mature, and outspoken while away at their university. The words “you’ve changed” can be hurtful even if not intend that way.
8. Don’t say: “You need to help around the house more.”
Instead, say: “If you have some free time, I would love your help with (insert chore).”
The first statement is generic. College students want to come home and relax. They don’t want to be told to do chores instantly. Both statements get the point across; however, the second one comes across as more gentle will be less likely to lead to conflict.
College can be hard and home is your teen’s soft spot to land. Using the “instead” statements will make a difference in your relationship with them. College students are independent, yet they still want their parent’s approval, and opting for positive statements will help you have a great visit with minimum conflict.
9. Don’t say: “You’ve gained/lost weight.”
Instead, say: “How is the food in the dorms?”
Don’t bring up your teen’s weight after not seeing them for a period of time unless you are concerned about a health problem. They may have a completely new diet and exercise regime, so it is totally normal for their weight to fluctuate.
More Great Reading:
Your College Student’s First Thanksgiving Break Home