Parenting is a constant balance between ‘holding on’ and giving in to our child’s intense needs for attachment and security from us and ‘letting go’, mindful that our ultimate goal is for them to become a confident individual, with good self-esteem, ready to fly in the world alone.
As our children get older and start to reach for independence it can be tempting to over-protect them and become a ‘snowplough parent’ (a parent who clears the way of any obstacles), or a ‘helicopter parent’ (one who hovers and micromanages everything). Parents who fall into these styles are often nurturing and well-meaning, often following a gentle parenting style, but they can inhibit their child’s need for independence.
So, what’s the solution? Enter ‘scaffolding parenting’, or as I often refer to it ‘Jenga parenting’ – where parents build a secure structure of support, and gently remove it little by little when their children are ready. You build the secure groundworks in infancy and then, little by little, day by day, you construct a tower of supportive scaffolding as you meet your child’s needs. Once that tower is complete, it’s time to remove the scaffolding boards, or Jenga blocks, one by one, little by little, at the pace of your own unique child. If you try to remove a block and things get a little wobbly, you reinstate it and continue to provide that support, but still with an eye on ‘letting go’ (no matter how much your instincts may be screaming at you to ‘hold on’.
This toing and froing between ‘holding on’ and ‘letting go’ is tricky for parents, particularly of tweens and teens, but ultimately any struggles are simply signs of what a brilliant job we have done of focussing on security, attachment and support. As with any transition, it takes time for everybody to adjust – and perhaps the biggest transition here is the emotional one we, as parents, take, as we support our ‘big children’ to fly.
“Two of the greatest gifts we can give our children are roots and wings,” wrote journalist Hodding Carter. For me, the greatest gifts we can give our children are security, stability balanced space to build autonomy.
Learn more in this video:
& so much more in this idea in my book ‘How to Raise a Teen‘ – out now!
If you liked this post, you may also like THIS ONE about Demetrescence – the motherhood transition of raising older children.
Sarah
p.s: sign up to my newsletter all about raising tweens and teens for free HERE.